"B" Roll

In a society that is infatuated with its celebrities, it is easy for the “common man” to forget that his story is fascinating, simply because he or she is the only one to live it, and each day comes with its own triumphs and failures, pain and laughter. Better than any movie script, my life has captured my imagination and attention for the past 41 years.

I have understood the concept of loss for as long as I can remember. Both sets of grandparents died before I was born, and at age two, my father was killed in a terrible accident at his workplace. I tell this part of my story, not as a downer, but to establish a simple fact about myself: I have always been keenly aware of that hole in my life, that loss of the opportunity to be “daddy’s little girl”. My mother raised my older sister and myself on her own, and made many personal sacrifices to be there for us, for the next 10 years.

I was raised in a very strict religious environment, and it would be easier to tell you what I was allowed to do versus what wasn’t allowed, since so much was forbidden. This gave me a harsh and intimidating view of God, especially the image of God the Father, and by the age of 12, as I was blossoming into a young woman, I had decided that if this was what a father was, I didn’t need one. That was the year my mother decided to remarry.

My new father had just ended a 24 year, tumultuous marriage, and was very bitter and distrusting. While he clicked with my older sister, his suspicion and distrust was turned fully on me. All of my perceptions about angry, vengeful father figures seemed to be proven true. There was nothing I could do or say that didn’t seem to get twisted around, and it was always assumed that my intentions were to be deceitful and sneaky.

I remember being allowed to spend the night with a friend in 8th grade, and her mother took us to the movies to see Footloose. The rule, prior to the marriage, had always been that if someone spent the night, they went wherever we went, and we rarely called to ask permission. Apparently that rule had changed, and no one bothered to notify me. I was sitting in the theater, watching Kevin Bacon teach all the good church girls how to shake it, when I was abruptly pulled up from my chair and escorted down the aisle by my step-father. I was grounded for a month, not because he objected to the movie, but because I didn’t ask permission to be there. I have many other examples, but that is the one that made me feel humiliated and hopeless. I began to feel that, if this is what they expected of me, I might as well risk it and have some fun. Children become what you tell them they are.

I was so hungry for male affection, and I began to look in all the wrong places. I never did anything huge, but I did place my trust and devotion in boys who took advantage of it. I was trying to fill a need that couldn’t be filled in that manner. I was dangerously close to making some decisions that would have completely altered the course of my life. And then God decided to show me a different aspect of his nature.

I was a sophomore in high school when I met the most caring, loving, patient person I have ever met. He saw me, not the outside of me, or the mask of me, but the inside of me. He saw the fear, the mistrust, the desire to be more than I was brought up to be. He pursued me, even though I was not interested in the least. Rarely do we know what’s good for us when it’s standing right in front of us, particularly during our teenage years. But he pursued, and I relented, albeit grudgingly at first. The relationship grew, and my heart opened slowly, but fully. Today, this pursuer is my husband Keith, and we’ve been married for 22 years. God has taught me that he is also the Lover of my soul, and he used Keith to do it. I can truly say I love them both more now than ever.

Keith and I have a wonderful life; not perfect, by any means, and rocky at points. We have three healthy boys, ages 18, 16 and 15. I suppose I should call them young men. We own a modest home and our bills are paid, and these days, I count that as a high blessing. We enjoy camping together, and each person in our family is involved in music in some way; my husband runs sound at our church, my oldest and youngest sing, as do I, and the middle son is in band. Our conversations are filled with laughter, and even the tensest situations are typically diffused using humor.

I work at Drury as an event coordinator in the Alumni department, and love every minute of creating atmospheres for people to connect. My interests are varied, but include an oversized appetite for reading. It is nothing for me to read three or four books in a weekend that I have nothing to do, which is a rarity these days. I absolutely love to revisit books that were mandatory reading in high school, because my perspective has changed so much since then. There are times I think “OH! That’s the point of the story”. My employment at Drury has enabled me to go back to school, and pursue a latent passion for writing and literature, and my heroes are beside me, encouraging and sometimes pushing, every step of the way.

I’ve always thought it interesting that a little girl who had no father or brothers, who longed for male companionship and affection, would grow to be a woman surrounded by men. And I have so much laughter and affection from those guys; there are days I just sit and marvel at what my life has become.

It’s no box office smash hit, but then again, I’m no Angelina Jolie.