Movement

"We're losing ground".  These are not words you want to hear when you're in the doctor's office, checking your three month labs. "Your A1C (blood sugar 3 month averages) has gone up a lot in the past quarter, and your fasting levels are way over the acceptable amount." I expected this news; I check my fasting levels each morning, and I knew that December was not my best month.  I expected Dr. Yantis to change my oral medication, and was looking forward to getting back on track.
"Tammy, I think it's time for us to switch to insulin injections."  Hey, just go ahead and slap me unexpectedly; same difference.  I was numb. This has been my fear since the day I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I have spent most of my adult life watching my mom give herself injections in the stomach, struggle with the high's and low's.  I don't want to do this. I began to cry uncontrollably, which made me mad, which made me cry more.
Dr. Yantis calmly handed me a tissue. "There's good news and there's bad news.  The good news is you're not my typical diabetes patient; you're not 300 lbs, and your diet is not caused by poor lifestyle. It's genetic.  The bad new is,  you're not 300 lbs, and your diet is not caused by poor lifestyle. It's genetic.  This is a disease for you, and there is no cure, so we have to figure out how to give you the best care for your best life."  I picked up my prescription, went home, and stood in the bathroom, needle poised, for a full 20 minutes before I could finally make myself plunge the medication into my abdomen.  It didn't even hurt.  But the mental block is huge, and I don't know how long it will take me to jump this hurdle.  But I'm working on it.
No one likes to hear the words "losing ground".  But the fact of the matter is,we are either losing ground or gaining ground. Our universe is created around movement; the world spins, humans breathe, landscapes evolve, and if we're not moving forward, we're moving backward.  I have, many times in the past year or so, said "I feel like I'm stuck in the mud and can't move".  This is not accurate; it's more like I've been running around in circles, or chasing my tail, which in and of itself is movement. But eventually, you get dizzy and start moving backwards, if you don't get off the merry go round and push forward.
The diabetes issue is just one more spoke in the "movement" wheel of my life the past few weeks. It began with a sermon series at church, then spread to a discussion of exercise, then to career paths, and now, health issues.  On the one hand, I'm devastated with the realization that I have a progressive disease that cannot be controlled by simple diet and exercise.  Those who know me know that it is difficult to give up this control. But I'm also energized that I'm finally not "spinning my wheels", with this issue or others, and that movement is becoming a theme in my life.
Side note- I just noticed that one year ago today, I posted a blog about diabetes...hmm....